Keith Marshall

Sep. 16th, 2017 03:27 pm
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[personal profile] vvalkyri
Keith Marshall died today. I don't have memorial info yet, but Diane might have people over tomorrow; she's not alone now, and that is good. Ping me on this handle on gmail if you want further info.

I was just about to leave for Wheaton regional for acro when I got the call, and then the other call. Had over an hour on the phone with the housemate yesterday rapidly coming to an understanding of why she was impossible to live with, so i suppose I should have known better than to admit I already knew, that Diane had already called me. And I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised when she started yelling and hung up on me when I told her the Baltimore and DC science fiction people would be available to help sort through his things - I knew there had already been strife over his wishes that his books go to bsfs.

I decided half an hour ago that I'd instedad go to faire at this point. Called gsh and established through tears that he would still be there. Am still messing with the iPad.

I wrote this on Facebook:
Back when social media showed stuff in order and I more consistently posted on a certain other network Keith William Marshall would check on me when I hadn't posted in a day or two. He was willing to spend likely three times as long supporting me in replacing my disposall 'myself' as it would have been to just do it. He made bracelets and fiddle toys the 3D printer and last I saw him he gave me a Magen david. I keep thinking of the anodized titanium bracelet he made and wore. He was kind and matter of fact and knew about so many things and i wish I'd remembered he was still one of the people who chats on the phone. Ive had a candle burning for Keith since last night; Diana called a few minutes ago and it sadly now serves as memorial.

We always think there will be more time. I knew yesterday the situation was bad but was already thinking about how to be future help.

there isn't yet memorial information. Diana may have an informal gathering at her place tomorrow. If you know her or Keith, ping me for phone/address.

I'm hoping that bsfs/wsfa can be involved in sorting through Keith's books and such, because it was important to him they not be trashed. Communication in that area is currently a bit fraught.

Fsck. Just Fsck. Other times friends have died it's been either less of a surprise or farther away


It's surprising and it isn't surprising that I'm crying. We met 20 years ago. He always made me feel cared for and protected. And it was a shock, and I could have spent more time with him. Particularly after he was no longer driving.

I gotta get moving in some direction

(no subject)

Sep. 14th, 2017 02:24 pm
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[personal profile] vvalkyri
Just posted over on FB:
A "care and feeding of the [vval]" note: If there is some sort of Activity happening and I'm off to the side alone doing something else, that is very rarely my first choice in how my life is going. There are people who sit and watch at a dance or read a book at a party. That is not me. It may be that I've decided I'm superfluous, or am not sure how to insert myself (this happens at acro jams) but while I /can/ entertain myself on the sidelines that isn't why I showed up. I supposethere's also craft nights where everyone has a project. And it's certainly nice to be out near people while getting stuff done, so maybe that's another counter example...
.
So the thing is, right now I'm sitting in Meridian Park watching three instructors do acroplay. Thing is, the visiting one had invited me to come join them, and had taken til most of 1 to mention to me that he was arriving at the Park to join with one of the others, and when I finally managed to get here, there were 3. And so I'm superfluous. They're doing stuff that's beyond my comfort level, which is fine, but I'd also expressed last night that I didn't want to get in the way.

So I paid a few bills and am now sitting typing, and I'm not sure whether they think this is what I want to be doing. When I rushed out and changed another potential thing I was doing to be here.

Edit: I just got to try a couple things and spot a couple things, which was helpful

(no subject)

Sep. 11th, 2017 12:56 am
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[personal profile] vvalkyri
I'd never paid attention to the lyrics to 39 until John mentioned it re Relativity yesterday. In response I showed him Eat The Ice Cream (background here) but I've just looked up the lyrics and omg what a sad song.

I got caught up in everything other than writing and now it's 2am so I'm on the one hand wanting to write and on the other hand I was already effing exhausted well before midnight. But right now I'm awake.

I'm trying very hard to hold on to some of the newfound equanimity from Labor Day's Interfusion. Everything twined together through the whole weekend to create some sort of change I'm still not quite sure how to explain. Well, at least not without using modalities from that box labeled psychicweirdstuff deal with if need be in my head. In any case, I'm doing a lot better at noticing what I do and do not want to do, and owning that I've made a choice to do X and not Y. And I'm also able to handle what would for a number of years now have been very painful conversations, like listening to the positive progress of someone through illness and rehabilitation. Wednesday I could go to an assisted living to do some acro in a talent show; that's a triggery sort of place for me. I'm wondering whether I would feel differently than I did, or whether I would risk this newfound ability to start going through mail (though I left for Faire today), to go through a bunch of clothes.

One part of it all was a couple iterations of Mindful Meditation. The first one, on the Friday, was terrible, but I don't regret going because when the next hour I wandered into a Qi Gong workshop and we were moving in this way and that and there was enveloping music and a way to breathe I realized "hey this is what she was going for next door." And then on Sunday, the music from Zouk next door was loud enough to give me a similar experience. Augmented by some stuff from Saturday's Tantra. And with images helped by some dance classes in the intervening time.

I've not been able to explain the weekend without going thursday through monday all the way in order as to how things intertwined. But I don't really want to take that time right now even though I want to.

I've been also doing a little better at trying to recognize when I'm choosing to do something for someone at my own expense, or when it's not my own expense, and when it is or isn't the thing that's appropriate to do.

Sometimes it's the thing to do. Sometimes the effect of the kindness means far more to the other than the inconvenience one suffers for it. Sometimes that isn't the case.

I'm not making a whole lot of sense. Time for sleep.

Thing is? I arrived at Faire at 3 and really at 3:30 and that was okay. I'd not committed yesterady because I wanted to write. I brought a keyboard and I didn't write, and that was okay, too. I've missed some good acro of late, and I'm sure today in the park was lovely, but I had a nice day where I was as well. And I"ve called a jam for tomorrow. And I am aware that Marc is out of town and it's the first night of the new series, but neither he nor Ellen has asked me to show up for FlyingFeet, and I"d rather spend the time outdoors having an acro jam.

And I don't need to manufacture obligations without the other even asking.

(no subject)

Sep. 7th, 2017 09:34 am
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[personal profile] vvalkyri
I wish DW had some sort of mobile app. I got to it from my phone's browser, but couldn't post. Maybe when I move to the newer currently not-phone. And I suppose it's not too terrible from the ipad.

Still recovering from a transformative weekend at interfusion festival, where I got way too little sleep, but somehow all the various experiences intertwined, between classes in meditation and qi gong and dance and thai massage and acro cuddleparty and a little here and a little there and there's still some to process, and psychic-weird-stuff gets kept in a box in a corner of my brain labeled "no need to come to a conclusion," which makes some of what happened in and around tantra and meditation especially confusing.

But mostly it's all a good thing.
Maybe later I'll write up more of the weekend.

How is it September?

Back in mid August I'd writtne back to docs office and they said they'd forward to my primary care on record. Last Thursday I'd written that I didn't feel cared for, and would like a referral. Got a quick so sorry and yes we'll get you a referral reply. Today I logged into the portal intending to send a "hello, it's been a week" and saw that they'd returned with one back on Thursday. oops. After a ton of time on hold, first appointment is next Friday, which is after the 30 days of doxy I've been doing and I'd sorta been thinking of going somewhere that weekend. It's probably pretty stupid to have the appointment anyway.

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